Book Review: This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe

Never once in my life that I expected to have experience of months of quarantine day. It's already been 1 month of me in the house, never go out for work nor meet with friends. I'm starting to enjoyed it actually, because it gives me time to do my hobbies (read: reading and watching).
This is a book that I recently found, it's pretty good book with a lot of quotes that I want to kept as momentum. Let's start it.

Source: http://online.fliphtml5.com/httb/ytkr/#p=1 (pdf book)

The Truth About Meeting Someone At The Wrong Time
Timing is something that none of us can seem to get quite right with relationships. We meet the persons of our dreams the month before they leave to go study abroad. We form an incredibly close friendship with an attractive person who is already taken. One relationship ends because our partner isn't ready to get serious and another ends because they're getting serious too soon.
"It would be perfect," We moan to our friends, "If only this were five years from now/eight years sooner/some indistinct time in the future where all our problems would take care of themselves." Timing seems to be invariable third party in all of our relationships. And yet we never stop to consider why we let timing play such a drastic role in our lives.
Timing is a bitch, yes. But it's only a bitch if we let it be. Here's a simple truth that I think we all need to face up to: the people we meet at the wrong time are actually just the wrong time.
You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless. The right people make you want to throw away the plans you originally had for one and follow them into the hazy, unknown future without a glance backwards. The right people don't make you hmm and haw whether or not you want to be with them; you just know. You know that any adventure you had originally planned out for your future isn't going to be half as incredible as the adventures you could have by their side. That no matter what you thought you wanted before, this is better. Everything is better since they came along.
When you are with the right person, time falls away. You don't worry about fitting them into your complicated schedules, because they become a part of that schedule. They become the backbone of it. Your happiness becomes your priority and so long as they are contributing to it, you can work around the rest.
The right people don't stand in the way of the things you once wanted and make you choose them over them. The right people encourage you: To try harder, dream bigger, do better. They bring out the most incredible parts of yourself and make you want to fight harder than ever before. The right people don't impose limits on your time or your dreams or your abilities. They want to tackle those mountains with you, and they don't care how much time it takes. With the right person, you have all of the time in the world.
The truth is, when we pass someone up because the timing is wrong, what we are really saying is that we don't care to spend our time on that person. There will never be a magical time when everything falls into place and fixes all our broken relationships. But there may someday be a person who makes the issue of timing irrelevant.
Because when someone is right for us, we make the time to let them into our lives. And that kind of timing is always right.

Here Is When You Need To Be Alone
You need to be alone when you are not at home with yourself. When spending a night by yourself makes you want to tremble and take cover from the storm that rages on inside your mind, you need to learn to find your own shelter. When you want someone else to come and hold you close just to distract you from yourself, you need to learn to hold your own hand. We can love one another but nobody can save us from ourselves and when we don't understand that in the slightest, we need to be alone the most.
You need to be alone when you can't look at another human being - not from across the subway or the table or the sheets that are bunched up between you - and not imagine what it's going to feel like once it's over. When every new beginning is just another reminder of each painful ending that preceded it, you are not ready to start over. The person you're going to fall in love with deserves all your beginnings and none of your endings and if you're still torn up about the past and it is bleeding straight into the future, it might mean that you need more time to heal. You need to be alone when you cannot arrive anywhere with your whole heart, because love requires every last piece of it.
You need to be alone when you're not ready. When you meet someone who's patient and kind and well meaning and yet some part of you is holding back. You have to know that it is no one else's job to break down the walls that you've built up - that is fortress of your own responsibility. When you are not ready to give someone your whole heart out of fear of what they'll do with it, it is yourself that you must learn how to trust. It's yourself you must come back to, piece by careful piece as you learn that your heart is endless, refillable vessel that does not deplete or fall apart when it is given away. It is yourself that you must learn to be alone with.

What We Forget When We Say The Timing's Wrong
Let's talk about how our timing's off.
You see, we couldn't have planned this out worse.
It would have been infinitely easier to meet you two years earlier or three years later or in a different space or place or country or time zone.
It would have been simpler to meet you in a world where I could wake up nestled tightly in beside you and you could join in each adventure I took on.
It would be marvelous to have all our fates aligned and to see the timing play itself out flawlessly.
But I'm inclined to say we ought to count our blessings.
Because here's the absolute miracle that we cannot allow ourselves to ignore: out of the billion of the years that earth has existed for, you and I ended up alive at the exact same time.
I wasn't born on your 90th birthday. You didn't die an ultimately death at age 3.
I didn't live as a pauper in the year 400 B.C. You will not spring into existence 500 years into the future. Out of all the centuries, eras, time periods and Universes we could have ended up in, we somehow both ended up here.
We ended up in the era with planes and trains and cars and cell phones and Skype calls. We ended up in the age of relentless communication and instantaneous connection. Of all the possible worlds that we could have gotten stuck in, we found ourselves living in a time when it's possible to wake up to a good morning text every day from someone who is clear across the world.
And when you look at it that way, it doesn't seem so bad. When you look at it that way, it doesn't seem unbearable to wait for a couple more months or a few painstaking years or a single stretch of absence that will eventually be bridged. When you look at it from the angle of the bleak improbability that two people like you and I would ever co-exist, the timing doesn't seem so wrong at all.
Because really, who are you and I to demand any more from the Universe? Who are we to mandate that the stars all align in our favor and the fortunes always cater to our fates? When we chisel it down to probability, we've already come out on top here. So it's only fair we put in some work.
Because the truth about the timing being wrong is that it's nothing more than the world's flimsiest reason not to try.
It's the simplest excuse to pack it in. It's a pre-designed reason to bow out. Saying the timing is wrong is saying nothing more than 'You aren't worth any inconvenience.'
And when it comes to you, that is untrue.
When it comes to you, I'd wade through limitless eras and time zones and alternate realities and Universes trying to find you.
I'd wait for decades or ages or centuries or lifetimes. I'd wait through wars and resolutions and tsunamis and ice ages and apocalypses. I'd wait indefinitely. At this time. In this Universe.
And as long as you're alive here and I'm alive too,
the timing is right enough for me.
   

Trust His Timing

It's been 5 years I haven't written anything in my blog. You know what fella, I just dyed my hair to red brown, well it really changed my appearance. I actually wanted to have a gold-brown hair, so maybe I'll look like Latina girl, but sadly my first trial of dying hair turns out to be disaster. In the end, I just seek help to hair stylist near my home. He could fixed my hair, but what's done can't be undone. My hair not black anymore, the precious hair color that I've been proud of this whole time. Okay because this time we talked about the precious thing in my life, I will talk about it.
Actually lately I've been losing that sense of precious thing in my life. In the past, I will boast about my black hair, but sadly I don't have it anymore. In the past, I will boast about my degree, university title and major. But now I've graduated from that university, I don't have any title of it anymore. These days, I just don't have anything to boast of, like I realized I actually am nothing without those things. These past years, many things happen in my life. After graduated from university, I was started working and earn money for myself. I went to study abroad for about one year. I broke up with my almost-boyfriend, things just not worked out for both of us. I starting to have romantic relationship (again) with another person, but it's not ended well too. My uncle passed away. This whole things really changed my perspective of life. I came to thinking that maybe I don't want to get married. I don't know what happens to me, but me in the past will look from positive side. I will thought that some things happen for a reason. Sadly the present me can't think of the positive side at all. When something bad happen, I will just think to endure it and live for people around me, my family. I don't know when will I'll get tired of sacrifice thing for people around me. The present me just want to seeking happiness. I think, the most important things are not what people around you thinking, but do you really happy about it? I've once sacrifice my love for some guy because of my friend. In the end, I thought it's really not worth it. Although my friend likes him, she already has boyfriend, so she will choose her boyfriend. My relation with my best friend not ended too bad, but we are not that close anymore. Meanwhile my relation with the guy also over. Sometimes, things that we expect will turns to be "that" way, in reality just turns to be "this" way. My expectation is if I let go the guy, I can maintain my friendship. But sadly, after I let go the guy, I can' befriend with her anymore. Maybe this is the best for the three of us. Well, I've learnt one thing that is you have to make your own happiness is your priority. If you not make your happiness to be priority, then who will be? Although we all still have good relations, but we aren't as close we used to be as if there's this "wall" standing between three of us. Even for me, I still feel like shame, because that guy is a nice guy, he is the nicest guy I've ever been get close to. I hope this will be my lesson to not wasting chance or wasting people that truly care for me. I hope in the future I will stop over thinking of what people said about me. Just trust His timing and His plan.

my thought

sejauh ini aku selalu berpikir bahwa gadis-gadis di Victoria's Secret itu cantik-cantik ya, pasti menyenangkan untuk bisa tampil sempurna seperti mereka, memakai pakaian-pakaian bermerk, terkenal dan kecantikan yang mampu buat jutaan orang iri kalau melihat mereka tapi pernahkah kita benar-benar tahu, kalau mungkin kehidupan mereka tidak sesempurna yang dibayangkan.
memangnya untuk apa sih seorang manusia itu hidup?
ketika aku membayangkan kematian, aku tidak dapat melihat apapun. setidaknya ketika aku mengalami kegagalan dalam hidupku, aku akan merasakan sesuatu, entah itu sedih atau terluka atau marah. tetapi kematian? aku sendiri mungkin tidak akan sadar kalau aku sudah meninggal. kadang aku meragukan Tuhanku sendiri..apakah Ia benar-benar ada? apakah aku akan benar-benar pergi kepada-Nya ketika aku mati kelak?
sebagai anak kecil, mungkin aku tidak akan begitu memahami kematian itu semenyeramkan apa. tetapi ketika aku beranjak dewasa dan aku sudah mulai sedikit demi sedikit memahami makna hidup dan tidak lagi melihat kehidupan dari kacamata seorang anak kecil, ternyata kematian itu adalah sebuah akhir yang benar-benar tidak dapat dibayangkan oleh satupun orang. orang boleh berkata banyak hal mengenai kematian itu sendiri, tetapi aku pun juga tidak begitu percaya. kepercayaan yang kupegang teguh selama belasan tahun saja aku ragukan, apalagi kata-kata orang yang hanya simpang siur dari satu mulut  ke mulut yang lain.
tapi pernahkah kita sadar, bahwa kalau dalam kehidupan ini aku hanya memikirkan mengenai bagaimana cara matiku kelak? apakah orang akan menangisi kematianku atau tidak? bagaimana orang-orang di sekitarku yang akan kutinggalkan? hal ini tentu hanyalah membuang-buang waktu saja.
setiap orang tentu mempunya jangka waktu yang sama. kita sama-sama lahir dan pada akhirnya akan mati suatu hari kelak. masing-masing memiliki waktunya. namun, dengan cara apa kita mengisi waktu lahir-mati kita? apakah dengan cara meratapi kematianku nanti? tentu aku tidak mau menjadi orang yang seperti itu :) mulai sekarang, aku akan mengisi hari-hariku dengan lebih bermakna, memaknai tiap tindakanku.
mungkin karena itulah dulu saat kecil, guru kita selalu bertanya mengenai cita-cita. kalau manusia tidak punya tujuan, untuk apa ia hidup?
mulai sekarang, aku harap aku tidak perlu lagi menangis tiba-tiba karena rasa takutku yang berlebihan pada kematian. aku akan berusaha untuk menguatkan hatiku untuk mengingat Tuhan ketika rasa takut itu menghampiri hatiku dan mengingat bahwa hal ini adalah percuma. lagipula seseorang pernah berkata bahwa dalam menghadapi suatu ujian, bukan hasil cemerlang yang menunjukkan keberhasilan kita tetapi bagaimana kita melalui ujian itulah yang merupakan keberhasilan kita.
haha ini adalah ungkapan pikiranku untuk siang hari ini, semoga tidak hanya aku saja yang dapat memaknai hidup ini dengan lebih hikmat :)

just wanna write something

deja vu ya kalau lihat foto lamanya jika dibandingkan dengan dirinya yang sekarang. mungkin karena dulu dia masih duduk di bangku SMA sehingga memaksanya untuk tetap dengan rambut pendek rapinya itu tapi sekarang rambutnya dibiarkan gondrong olehnya semenjak masuk kuliah.
kalau aku lihat dirinya yang sekarang, penampilannya yang telah agak berubah membuat aku tidak terlalu ingat akan masa lalu lagi kalau mungkin nanti bertemu dengannya lagi. aku mungkin tidak akan merasa sakit hati seperti yang dulu aku rasakan ketika pertama putus dengannya. haha agak lucu memang kalau diingat kembali bagaimana aku dulu menangis seharian dan fakta bahwa aku telah putus darinya bagai mimpi terburuk yang pernah terjadi dalam hidupku. aku ingat betapa sengsaranya aku saat itu tapi aku tidak bisa mengingat dengan pasti parahnya luka yang kualami. jika ditanya apa aku ingin kembali ke masa itu, tentu aku tidak ingin memutar waktu untuk merasakan lagi sengsaranya hatiku saat itu.
sekarang, sudah lebih dari tiga tahun aku tidak memiliki hubungan spesial dengan laki-laki manapun. aku sendiri juga sebenarnya sudah agak kangen untuk kembali pacaran tapi kalau tidak ada pasangannya, mau bagaimana dong?
aku hanya bisa menghabiskan hidupku dengan membaca novel, menonton drama korea dan sebagian besarnya dihabiskan untuk belajar, namun aku yakin ada alasan mengapa aku hingga saat ini belum mempunyai pacar lagi, karena sejujurnya diriku juga sadar, jika ada seseorang yang tiba-tiba menyatakan cinta kepadaku, aku mungkin saja menolaknya. aku masih belum bisa membagi waktu antara belajar dan waktu luang. aku ingat betul bahwa dulu alasan aku tidak menerima kembali mantan pacarku itu karena belajar dari pengalaman, aku terlalu menghabiskan waktu SMS dengannya hingga larut malam dan akhirnya malah membuat fokusku terbagi-bagi. aku menjadi tidak dapat berkonsentrasi penuh pada belajarku dan sejak aku berpacaran dengannya, memang ada sisi positifnya sih tetapi entah kenapa aku justru merasa lebih banyak sisi negatifnya hahaha. satu-satunya sisi positif yang kudapat darinya adalah sekarang aku sadar bahwa aku tidak perlu merubah diriku didepannya. aku berubah menjadi pribadi yang mementingkan penampilan daripada sekolahku. tetapi ya sudahlah, sudah berlalu juga dan aku cukup menikmati hidupku yang sekarang, meski aku yakin, cepat atau lambat aku harus mulai mencari-cari pasangan hidup. aku hanya akan menunggu keajaiban dan menunggu pangeran berkuda putih datang dan tiba-tiba menyadarkanku bahwa sebenarnya dialah pasanganku

Kanon Wakeshima - Suna No Oshiro

Negai dareka ga

Sotto nagareru shiro ni
Kawaitaku no kato de
Hairo no watashi wa
Tada jitte kietei ku no

Miteta

Hoshi wo atsumete
Tsukuru suna no oshiro ni
Watashi no sasayaka na inori
Koborete ochiru
Sono ashimoto wo
Machibuseta nami ga sarau

A world of darkness.
A world of silence.

Kie kakaru inori
Kaze ni aorare nagara
Sore demo tomori tsuzukete
Watashi ga ikudomo motsure nagara
Hieyuku te de
Tsukuru suna no oshiro wo
Machibuseta nami ga sarau
Anata e

Vampire Knight

hey all long time no see write. lately i have been craving for anime haha! it's addictive! I just finished my first-holiday-anime, Vampire Knight.

I know right! Zero is my favorite character here but sometimes Kaname made me stunned by his perfection. I bet in reality people just choose Kaname over Zero. c'mon he have power, looks and top of that he is really romantic. he is just ideal-type for every girl but sorry Kaname, from beginning of this anime, Zero have grab my attention <3 surely reality is different from dream. Zero just typical of cool, annoying but attractive and actually loyal guy. I'd like if he become my boyfriend kekeke. oh yeah i haven't write the synopsis yet, hihi sorry.

basically it's all about love triangle between Yuuki Cross, Zero Kiryuu, and Kaname Kuran. at the beginning, Yuuki likes Kaname but then she realized she's so much different with Kaname. Kaname is pure-blood vampire while she is just ordinary human. on vampire society, pure-blood vampire is really rare and not like any-other vampire. we can say that pure-blood vampire just like God to other vampire because they have power to make ordinary vampire obey. on the other hand, Zero who really hates vampire, later realized that he's in love with Yuuki. initially except Kaname and Chairman of Cross Academy (adoptive father of Yuuki and Zero), everyone didn't know that Zero is actually a vampire too. his family got killed by pure-blood vampire and he also got bitten her and slowly-but-sure will change into vampire soon. that's why he have huge hatred to vampire. he can't accept his condition which will going to turn into monster. but then Yuuki always support him when she first knew it, she even donate her own blood to Zero. Because of that, Yuuki becomes dependable to Zero and later they both realized they just fall-in-love.
but problem arise when later Yuuki's true identity was revealed. she's actually Kaname's sister and pure-blood vampire. they are both engaged. if we can see from Yuuki's human perspective, she actually love Zero but from her vampire perspective, she loves Kaname.
it's complicated yet interesting anime. you should watch it!
keke sorry YuKa fans, no offense! :)

BIG BANG - MONSTER (Review)

this is gonna be my fuuuuuuull opinion of Big Bang's song Monster *o* first of all I gotta admit that Big Bang's songs always waaaaaay much better than my expectation! should I mention ALL of their songs? seriously VIPs really take good care their idols ;) keke good work guys~


GD looks absolutely handsome for me and TOP.. I couldn't say any further. he's just prefect there. no matter how many he said 'he's not a monster' but! he IS a monster to me ;___; how could be a human looked so stunning even with emotionless-face-look.. oh dear my heart. ya gotta be kidding me. I though TOP was a cool, handsome pretty smart boy and of course manly but then I watched Running Man where Big Bang as guest. all my thoughts about TOP crushed at the same time, ever since he asked Daesung's permission so he could follow him .__. OMG. I mean.. that innocent cute boy and the cool playboy-face-look are the SAME PERSON T_T oh God. I just hope no one could take advantage at his extremely hot appearance because of his innocent. remember it VIPs that you guys have a HUGE responsbility to protect big kid, TOP >.< but if one of you still curious of TOP's hotness, here I give you picture of him
he's handsome? yes he is.
he's perfect? yes definition of perfection.
he's hot???! TOTALLY.
phew please boomshakalaka let me breath. and Taeyang, Seungri and Daesung just make this song completed <3 I just realized that probably all of part this post talking about TOP THE MOST O:) sorry everyone keke I just wanna share my opinion about this song but turned out to be TOP's post. anyway~ here I give you Big Bang's family photo!